The last goodbye

You could have skipped the band,
Tired of sitting on the ground,
Tired of writing letters,
Your hand will never find

I'm in deeper than you think,
I'm silenced by my own despair,
Beautiful action motion shot,
- a soul that once could care

I'm torn down by your thinking,
I seam to smear my own,
My past inevitably haunting
- The fragrant grave in which I roam

But I cannot simply breathe you see,
I choke on my own dignified indifference,
You get me close to being me,
A penalty I cannot pay your sovereigns

You couldn't rescue me,
Alas' and how you tried,
In a darkened room you search for me,
But love, my love, our love has died.

Rain

He is on the brink of making me normal
He says I smoke too much
like the rain his
eyes pour down loveliness into my soul

Registered to become a person today
Fought anger till it broke today
Defeated silence, here to stay
Sold my soul - so childlike till but yesterday

- a Silent breath within...
making it possible for the wind to move
Here is peace.
Here is heaven

Guess I'm over  it
I started out alone in the rain
In ruined ashen wilderness
Lay a stained immortal slain

I take the silence and endure the rage
I am hoping it will go way
But the rage reflected is my own
And my rage is here to stay

How to block a sound so deep?
Days are far apart and hours long
A beggar plays his black guitar
- as a King of words forgets his song

Carnival going round and round
A head as light as lead
Said you felt it all
"forever baby", is what you said

Said you cared for yesterday
Said that we would go away
Said that broken dreams could mend
Said we'd meet halfway

Here I'm standing on a n empty road
Dust takes a lot - but not all of you
Guess I'll just keep walking on
Guess I've nothing else left to do

Forget the dreary life of rest
I found in me no space at all
A sudden sinking wilderness
A cheap divide to elude one's soul

When I was a child

When was a child I imagined that somehow all my issues would automatically be solved and dealt with as soon as I grew up. I imagined that being a grown up would automatically dissolve all my crazy tortured thoughts. I would know what to do, how to feel - how to be normal. Now, by normal I don't mean boring - I mean sane. I would stop having suicidal thoughts, my brain would work correctly and I would somehow create a filing system in my mind. All would be catalogued and packed neatly away. I would automatically know what to do with my life...

Surprise surprise, what a fucking wake up call!! I am almost thirty years old and I feel more confused then ever. My mind is still in disarray. The only difference is that now I don't have grown-ups to help keep me on some sort of path. Now I'm just blindly stumbling through some jungle in 'god knows where' country. I have no idea where I am, where I'm going or even on what freaking planet I'm on!! Am I the only person who gets completely lost in her own mind? I'm not talking the romantic notion of getting lost in your own mind. Like some fairy-tale where you're liberated by your own imagination. I'm talking lost - as in I don't know where the fuck I am. This is not a fairy-tale of liberation - oh' no, it is an obstacle course that leads to nowhere.

Does salvation come? Is she on her way? I have to believe that she is - otherwise I have nothing else to believe in. I do believe in God. I believe in him as I believe in daylight, but as with night that comes with day, so satan comes with God. If you believe in God you also believe in the existence of the devil. If you don't you cannot say that you truly believe. Thus... salvation.

Tussen Mure

Tussen Mure

Elke boompie het 'n gat,
Sluit my toe tussen mure wat ek verdien,
Saggies, mooi en opgevoed,
Vuil gesiggie klaar gewas, het ek gesien

Dis winter in my heiligdom,
Koue klooster, huil huil sag,
Glo is leeg - ek leef vermom
Vat my terug, leer my lag

Sluit my toe waar daar vensters is,
Ken my toe wat ek verdien,
Lei my heen waar genade rus,
Vergewe my wat my oe wou sien

Still in Afrikaans

Sulke Mense

Voel-voel skuifel jy deur die gange van die lewe,
Soek maniere om te leef en te vergewe,
Jy wat loop deur die wereld so onaangeraak,
Geweef in woorde wat sondaars maak,

Donker oe vertel van verlate lugkastele,
Lewe van gebroke jare met vermisde dele,
Uitgesny en agtergelaat deur familie was jou wense,
Opgesluit en grootgemaak tussen mense-gemaakte grense.

Elk van ons meet die binneste op n ander skaal,
Al is die hart geklee - die siel bly kaal,
Hardloop tog die padjie uitgetrap vir jou,
Slegs op voorgeksrewe drome mag jy 'n toekoms bou

Sluk die gees van jou hart se moed,
Maak droog die water wat gedagtes voed,
Leer slegs die wysheid wat ek s^e is genoeg,
Smoor daai gees - jy maak die wereld moeg

Ouers stel hul kinders voor aan Afrikaner lief en leed,
Tyd bring vrede wat harte laat vergeet,
Vroe passie wat hulle as mislukking merk,
Wilde passie - verban deur volk en kerk.

Thoughts in Afrikaans

Vyfde Wiel

Die lewe klink romanties - trust my dit is nie,
Ek is die woorde in jou verlede,
Soos muure is jy al om my,
Ek kan my nie vergewe

Moenie weg gaan nie,
Ek wil jou vra om te bly,
Dit wat nooit begin het nie,
Is tussen ons ook nou verby

Jou skaamte dra nie meer die gesig van n kind,
Skuld gevoelens is ou vriende van my,
Tussen dogter se twyfel word pa gevind,
Jy is die skaduwee wat by my bly

Te jonk om rerig jou as siel te begryp,
Dalk besef en weer vergeet,
Vrou wat haar aan drank vergryp,
Jy wat my teen perfeksie meet

Ek n sondaar - my pa se kind,
Wil he jy moet my siel verstaan,
Het gesoek- maar nooit gevind,
Iets wat in jou plek kon staan.

I can still dream

If I asked you then, would you have known;
About a place,
That I would find,
Roam around, and call my home?

If I called, would God have came?
I miss you now,
It's lonely now,
In this empty room, engulfed by shame.

Your lyrics spoke of a world that you would one day own,
Yet estranged from hope,
You stay there still,
Healing wounds your past have grown

There is an existence that you were suppose to be a part of,
Time is playing out,
Behind you,
A whole life that you are missing out of.

I can dream all I want; for I have time,
Carried on my hands,
I have time,
Enough to conquer this and still be fine.

If I write down all the words that wrote my history,
Would I then,
Once more believe,
In a fleeting dream named destiny?