When was a child I imagined that somehow all my issues would automatically be solved and dealt with as soon as I grew up. I imagined that being a grown up would automatically dissolve all my crazy tortured thoughts. I would know what to do, how to feel - how to be normal. Now, by normal I don't mean boring - I mean sane. I would stop having suicidal thoughts, my brain would work correctly and I would somehow create a filing system in my mind. All would be catalogued and packed neatly away. I would automatically know what to do with my life...
Surprise surprise, what a fucking wake up call!! I am almost thirty years old and I feel more confused then ever. My mind is still in disarray. The only difference is that now I don't have grown-ups to help keep me on some sort of path. Now I'm just blindly stumbling through some jungle in 'god knows where' country. I have no idea where I am, where I'm going or even on what freaking planet I'm on!! Am I the only person who gets completely lost in her own mind? I'm not talking the romantic notion of getting lost in your own mind. Like some fairy-tale where you're liberated by your own imagination. I'm talking lost - as in I don't know where the fuck I am. This is not a fairy-tale of liberation - oh' no, it is an obstacle course that leads to nowhere.
Does salvation come? Is she on her way? I have to believe that she is - otherwise I have nothing else to believe in. I do believe in God. I believe in him as I believe in daylight, but as with night that comes with day, so satan comes with God. If you believe in God you also believe in the existence of the devil. If you don't you cannot say that you truly believe. Thus... salvation.
